or as some call you, Lane Giant. Or my mom likes to call you the fat lady store (she’s fat. she can say shit like that, right!?)
You’ve been screwing your clientele for a very long time knowing full well that they don’t have very many options regarding wardrobe. I am one of those suckers. I keep going back because you’re stuff is one step up from Torrid (which has nosedived into absolutely shit quality product) and frankly, I can’t afford Kiyonna or Avenue. Every year I wait for your semi annual bra sales. Every year I have to wait to be able to purchase products because I can’t afford you. I buy sweaters now, in anticipation for next winter.
This year is different. This year, I’m losing weight and I can no longer buy things in anticipation. There is no more planning. But that’s not the point of this open letter. The point is your Cacique line sucks ass.
I have been buying bras from you for years. YEARS!!!! and they last me maybe 6 months before I
1. bust a wire in half (yes apparently that is possible and I have boobs of steel!?)
2. the padding becomes misshapen and I look like I have crazy lumpy boobs
3. I get stabbed in the armpit when a wire works its way past your padding to freedom.
4. this is the newest drama, the straps unravel! (wtf is that all about!?)
I’m so incredibly tired of being fat and therefore trapped by your shitty support failing bras. I have been measured and re-measured! I have been fitted! I have been told “Wear this bra!” “Don’t wear that bra!” Your associates have become so monotone in their avoidance and training that they straight up tell me “well it’s not our bras… it’s your breasts that are messed up” . wtf is wrong with you people!?
Even though Torrid makes crap bras too, I’ve never had the serious issues with them as I do with you! As a matter of fact, the only reason why I don’t buy their bras is the cups give minuscule support and my girls need to be hugged like they are neglected white girls and they’re my just fired black nanny. “They is strong… they is smart… they is beautiful… they is important… they is perky… they is luscious” so on.
Why must you make such shitty product!?!? are the tiny childhands of china missing something when they sew these bras together!?
Let’s list some of the major fouls!
The Plunge Bra! wooo!! loved this bra! until the wire came flying out at me at a public event. 0_o had the bra for exactly 6 months. It’s like the damned thign has a time limit.. a shelf life before it dies… like sea monkeys. my bras are sea freakin monkeys!!!
The No Wire Cotton Bra… which is shaped, with no support, but! it is shaped!! like two nuclear warheads lookin for a target. what is this!?!? 1955!?!? Do I need to make another THE HELP reference on here!?
My personal favorite foul! The Cushion Comfort bra! Which I was measured for by a manager and bought 4 at … 42$ a pop. within a month, the wires had all made their way from their designated locations, into my armpits in an attempt to Hari Kari my freakin armpits. Please explain the polymer foam usage. what asshat male scientist thought it would be awesome for us to wear rubber bras!? I was so incredibly angry… So furious… So livid… that when I went back months later and told an associate, I was told “Huh. You must be wearing them wrong.”
*counts from 99 backwards to calm down*
Yesterday I noticed that my adorable black with red cherries tee shirt bra was fraying. FRAYING!!! the bra strap was unraveling. This bra is less than 3 months old and it’s falling apart at the seams. I hate you people. I’ve decided that you don’t give a shit about quality.
I hand wash my bras. I own one of those ridiculous Japanese octopus hanger thingies from Ikea so I can hang like 8 bras to dry at once. I use the white gold of washing detergent, woolite! do you have any idea how expensive that is!?!?
So today, in my weight loss glory, I needed to purchase new bras. New Sports Bras to be exact. The only bras I’ve ever been 100% pleased with was the Marika (obviously not Cacique) Miracle Racerback Sports Bra. You carried them for a while and I spent 40$ a pop on two. I loved them. I cherished them. I bought one, and loved it so much I bought another. Today I went to your site to buy 2 more. I logged on, searched Marika, found nothing but extremely expensive tank tops and yoga pants.
Found a link to the halter bra made by the same company, leading to your site. Clicked link. Well that’s interesting. it’s not showing up on your website at all under the search, but there’s the live link working and purchasable for that bra! wtf are your developers doin!?
Cried a lil over the loss of my favorite sports bra.
Spent 80$ on two cacique sports bras.
walked away feeling dejected and used by you evil evil people.
decided to try one last time…
SEARCH!! BOOM! EBAY! yes!!!! not only did this second search produce new results but at such a cheaper price than the ridiculous sports bras I just bought.
Do you know what I did then, Lane Bryant!? DO YOU!??!
I called your customer service, and demanded the order I just placed with you, cancelled. And when they asked me why… I didn’t even get through my first sentence of “you don’t carry my marika…” before I got cut off by the rep who processed the refund for me and canceled the order.
I then bought 3 bras for 10$ less than I would have paid for two bras with you.
Does this mean I’ll never buy another bra from you again!? no. Not because I’m a glutton for punishment. Not because i’m a masochist. Not because I’m one of those hopeless women who keep hoping your abusive ass will change. But because I have to wear something that won’t make me look like my grandmother. Something I won’t be embarrassed to wear if I ever shave my legs and get laid.
What it does mean, is soon… very soon I will lose the weight to get me into a bra that you don’t sell… one worth 40$ a pop that won’t fall apart. and then! and only then! will I NEVER SHOP AT LANE BRYANT AGAIN!
lovingly and vengefully yours,
Yas “My Boobs Are Awesome” Mean