1 month check in!


Today is 1 month check in day with my personal  trainer.

Here are before and after numbers

Weigh in: started at 298 today I am 288 a loss of 10 lbs

Neck started at 17 1/4 inches today at 16 5/8 inches a loss of half an inch

Chest (across the nips no bra) started at 51 inches today at 50 inches loss of 1 inch

Waist started at 48 1/2 inches today at 48 inches loss of half an inch.

Legs measured 6 inches above the knee
Right leg started at 28 inches today at 26 1/2 inches loss of 1 1/2 inches
Left leg started at 27 1/2 inches today at 26 1/2 inches

Progress is a beautiful thing.

I’m 3 lbs away from being 50 lbs down. 

16 of those lost with visalus
10 lost with my PT incorporated my strength has increased as well as my stamina

Example my fat ass can actually do planks now! First time ever being able to successfully complete 4 sets of 15 second planks.

Life is a beautiful thing when you decide to rule it instead of it ruling you. 😀


Dear Lane Bryant,


or as some call you, Lane Giant. Or my mom likes to call you the fat lady store (she’s fat. she can say shit like that, right!?)

You’ve been screwing your clientele for a very long time knowing full well that they don’t have very many options regarding wardrobe. I am one of those suckers. I keep going back because you’re stuff is one step up from Torrid (which has nosedived into absolutely shit quality product) and frankly, I can’t afford Kiyonna or Avenue. Every year I wait for your semi annual bra sales. Every year I have to wait to be able to purchase products because I can’t afford you. I buy sweaters now, in anticipation for next winter.

This year is different. This year, I’m losing weight and I can no longer buy things in anticipation. There is no more planning. But that’s not the point of this open letter. The point is your Cacique line sucks ass.

I have been buying bras from you for years. YEARS!!!! and they last me maybe 6 months before I

1. bust a wire in half (yes apparently that is possible and I have boobs of steel!?)

2. the padding becomes misshapen and I look like I have crazy lumpy boobs

3. I get stabbed in the armpit when a wire works its way past your padding to freedom.

4. this is the newest drama, the straps unravel! (wtf is that all about!?)


I’m so incredibly tired of being fat and therefore trapped by your shitty  support failing bras. I have been measured and re-measured! I have been fitted! I have been told “Wear this bra!” “Don’t wear that bra!”  Your associates have become so monotone in their avoidance and training that they straight up tell me “well it’s not our bras… it’s your breasts that are messed up” . wtf is wrong with you people!?

Even though Torrid makes crap bras too, I’ve never had the serious issues with them as I do with you! As a matter of fact, the only reason why I don’t buy their bras is the cups give minuscule support and my girls need to be hugged like they are neglected white girls and they’re my just fired black nanny. “They is strong… they is smart… they is beautiful…  they is important… they is perky… they is luscious” so on.

Why must you make such shitty product!?!? are the tiny childhands of china missing something when they sew these bras together!?

Let’s list some of the major fouls!

The Plunge Bra! wooo!! loved this bra! until the wire came flying out at me at a public event. 0_o had the bra for exactly 6 months. It’s like the damned thign has a time limit.. a shelf life before it dies… like sea monkeys. my bras are sea freakin monkeys!!!

The No Wire Cotton Bra… which is shaped, with no support, but! it is shaped!! like two nuclear warheads lookin for a target. what is this!?!? 1955!?!? Do I need to make another THE HELP reference on here!?

My personal favorite foul! The Cushion Comfort bra! Which I was measured for by a manager and bought 4 at … 42$ a pop. within a month, the wires had all made their way from their designated locations, into my armpits in an attempt to Hari Kari my freakin armpits. Please explain the polymer foam usage. what asshat male scientist thought it would be awesome for us to wear rubber bras!? I was so incredibly angry… So furious… So livid… that when I went back months later and told an associate, I was told “Huh. You must be wearing them wrong.”

*counts from 99 backwards to calm down*

Yesterday I noticed that my adorable black with red cherries tee shirt bra was fraying. FRAYING!!! the bra strap was unraveling. This bra is less than 3 months old and it’s falling apart at the seams. I hate you people. I’ve decided that you don’t give a shit about quality.

I hand wash my bras. I own one of those ridiculous Japanese octopus hanger thingies from Ikea so I can hang like 8 bras to dry at once. I use the white gold of washing detergent, woolite! do you have any idea how expensive that is!?!?

So today, in my weight loss glory, I needed to purchase new bras. New Sports Bras to be exact. The only bras I’ve ever been 100% pleased with was the Marika (obviously not Cacique) Miracle Racerback Sports Bra. You carried them for a while and I spent 40$ a pop on two.  I loved them. I cherished them. I bought one, and loved it so much I bought another. Today I went to your site to buy 2 more. I logged on, searched Marika, found nothing but extremely expensive tank tops and yoga pants.

Became frustrated.

Google Searched.

Found a link to the halter bra made by the same company, leading to your site. Clicked link. Well that’s interesting. it’s not showing up on your website at all under the search, but there’s the live link working and purchasable for that bra! wtf are your developers doin!?

Cried a lil over the loss of my favorite sports bra.

Spent 80$ on two cacique sports bras.

walked away feeling dejected and used by you evil evil people.

decided to try one last time…

SEARCH!! BOOM! EBAY! yes!!!! not only did this second search produce new results but at such a cheaper price than the ridiculous sports bras I just bought.

Do you know what I did then, Lane Bryant!? DO YOU!??!

I called your customer service, and demanded the order I just placed with you, cancelled. And when they asked me why… I didn’t even get through my first sentence of “you don’t carry my marika…” before I got cut off by the rep who processed the refund for me and canceled the order.

I then bought 3 bras for 10$ less than I would have paid for two bras with you.

Does this mean I’ll never buy another bra from you again!? no. Not because I’m a glutton for punishment. Not because i’m a masochist. Not because I’m one of those hopeless women who keep hoping your abusive ass will change.  But because I have to wear something that won’t make me look like my grandmother. Something I won’t be embarrassed to wear if I ever shave my legs and get laid.

What it does mean, is soon… very soon I will lose the weight to get me into a bra that you don’t sell… one worth 40$ a pop that won’t fall apart. and then! and only then! will I NEVER SHOP AT LANE BRYANT AGAIN!

lovingly and vengefully yours,

Yas “My Boobs Are Awesome” Mean

Weigh In and the Awkward New Gym


okay! It’s update time!

today’s weigh in comes in at 301.6 pounds. now I should tell you that about couple weeks ago I actually reached my goal my first major major goal of getting under 300 pounds. Unfortunately I also decided that I could chill out be happy and stuff my face when Shark Week showed up and I acted like a fool. I ate myself into an early grave that whole week and I gained a total of 9 pounds.

I took a moment to personally beat myself up! I couldn’t believe that I allowed  myself to get that bad in a 1 week period of time.

I got really sick with a cold, maybe it was the flu I’m not sure. And basically stayed stagnant after losing some weight from the sickness at about 306 pounds.

Coincidentally during this time. My best friend decided that we need to stop going to the “average Joes” gym we were currently using and start going to the “big boy” gym down the street. he had decided that we needed a better challenge actually he needed a better challenge. He felt like the people around him at the new 24 Hour Super Sport down the street made him feel competitive compared to the chill family like feeling we got it the other gym. And now that I think about it, he’s right I was getting lazy. I didn’t want to go to the gym is often as i knew the gym would be there. I knew that I could take a couple days off and I knew the gym would still be there when I was ready to go back because there was no challenge. I became lazy. I was doing nothing but cardio. There was no strength training. There was no caring.

so it was time to move on. and that’s exactly what we did!

I’ll be honest, at the new gym I felt like I was going to be super stressed because of the clientele or really, my past experiences. Deep down I’m always going to have that discomfort of knowing that I’m bigger than most of the people around me. And I was afraid of that I would be surrounded by super crazy pretty people who were too busy flirting with each other to actually work out. although that sounds ridiculous it is a legitimate fear and discomfort. Are these people looking at me while I workout? Are they judging me? These are questions I seriously had and as every other fat person does, there’s a limit to what you take before you feel ashamed.

I didn’t want to be ashamed anymore so I buckled down and decided that I would go with him and enoy this new gym. And I did! The first time I walked in, I was super stressed I was on edge. I was super uncomfortable. where it used to be that my best friend and i would work out right next to each other, even if we weren’t talking it was a comfort to know that he was there. as time passed, this changed. On the realization that we have different goals, separated us in the gym. starting at this new gym I felt all alone. but I couldn’t let that stop me!

you know, sometimes you’re so afraid of other people judging you that you yourself become pretty damn judgy.

I had to let that go. I had to grow up and it was about time for me to take my workout to the next level. so I got on the elliptical machine and I powered it out I did 45 minutes and I felt good! I’m happy in my new gym! I’m no longer worried about the people around me. I look at the people around me and see them as competition. like the girls get on the elliptical next to me looks me up and down and then can’t keep up with me 45 minutes later.

so speaking of pretty people, the elliptical machines face the free weights area and the machines for the strength training. In this area is the collection of Adonis’s all working out separately and yet together in harmony and unity of absolute sexual frustration. seriously, some of the sexiest man I have ever seen and I’m on the internet all the damn time (thank you tumblr!)! I try not to stare and keep myself busy by paying attention to the loud booming K pop in my ears (thank you SHINee station!)  instead of the glistening sexiness pumping iron in front of me. and I can’t help thinking “you just wait I’m going to keep drinking my milk and I’m going to grow up and I’m going to be hot!” and that’s how I feel. I feel like looking at these guys and thinking  just wait! I’m going to lose all this weight and you guys are going to be trippin all over yourselves  to get to me.

I know it’s a shallow thought and I know it’s not necessarily a great one, but at the same time whatever is going through my brain I’m going to use that as fuel to the fire to make sure that I don’t get bored or lazy or stupid and stop working out. I’m going to use that as fuel and I’m going to push myself to get to my goal! and if that means using the sexy hot guy in front of me as bait damn right I will!




My progress report: although I’ve struggled immensely with my weight, nothing puts my journey into perspective like a good ole fashioned then and now shot.

You know I’m ridiculous! 2009 +jacob ellard took the picture of me riding the childrens rocking horse at an ikea. I was 335.8 lbs. I stayed that way until 4/2012 when I decided I couldn’t live like that anymore.
Sure! I was the funny fat girl! Intelligent, legit, and every guy’s best friend other than his dog. I also had an extreme love/hate relationship with myself. I loved my personality. I hated my body.

So I started making changes. First, I let go of soda; then fast food and finally gluten.

I floundered in the gym, not knowing wtf I was doing for a good 6 months. I lost a total of 12 lbs.

Then I got some good advice, some great support and stopped hating everything.

36 lbs later, I’m still struggling with my weight. But lessons are precious to me now.

For the first time in 5 years I’m under 300 lbs as you can see, in the second picture taken 2/13/13. I can hit the elliptical for a full hour on level 8 non stop. I can hike miles without crying. I survived tae bo. I cry through pilates but I can finish the class. I can breathe. My butt looks really good. I challenge myself in everything now. I have more patience. I am starting to like me again.

I have 100 lbs to go.

Imagine what that before and after shot will look like!

I’m A Coward.


Talk about hiding this past month, like some criminal.

Today’s weigh in 307.4 lbs.

This is actually a loss. You see, I didn’t have the ladyballs to report what really happened to me. But, I will now. I got close to success and it scared the shit out of me. I’ve been fat all my life. Most people will tell you that I’m pretty vivacious (not tooting my own horn, just making a point). I’m outgoing and most of the time, pretty damned goofy. I’m the quintessential funny fat chick. People think my personality is what makes me, me.

I thought that too. Until I got within a pound of my first MAJOR goal. You see, my personality is a derivative of my fat. I developed this personality as a defense mechanism to protect me from bullies and the horrible side of humanity. When I should have been loving myself enough to change my situation, I adapted my mentality to make up for my obesity. When I realized that the initial root of my personality would change, I became irrational and scared. I went into an existential tailspin of idiocy. no seriously. it happened.

“What happens when I lose this weight?”
“What will I become?”
“What will happen to me?”
“What if I won’t be me anymore!?
“What if it changes everything about me?! I like who I am!”

and then I started eating. I drove through a fast food drivethru with any excuse I could muster. Everything from “I gotta keep awake on the road” to “Damn I don’t have time to make anything!” neither were true.

and then my digestive system went craycray. Much like Mega Maid, went from suck to blow and Darth Helmet straight up hit the self destruct button. Everything evacuated. I made myself insanely sick. Stupid sick. The Homer simpson and that damned sandwich sick.

Check out 8:10 into the video LOL that’s me.

I ruined everything I worked so hard to accomplish in less than two weeks. That’s right, I’m my own ruiner.

However, I must have had some inkling of clarity through the insanity. I didn’t go too crazy. I didn’t revert back all the way. I didn’t give up on the gym. I also didn’t give up on eating smaller portions. I just ate 18 meals a day. 0_o yeahhh… that bad. LOL

Honestly, I’m really ashamed. I’m ashamed of my own actions, my own weakness, and my own mentality.

I’m back on the horse. I can’t give up. I’m going to get under 300 lbs and this time, I refuse to allow myself to sabotage myself so badly.

Also! does anyone out there know anything about a program like overeaters anonymous without the religious backing? I’m not religious but I need support. I’d like to find a support group that offers support without the religious background.

Anyway, hope the rest of you are doing better! 😀

Rollercoaster Week!


oh my god I’ve lost my mind. So last night I got up in the middle of the night and decided to eat myself into a coma after suffering from one of those migraines that turns you into a vampire. Super sonic painful hearing, light that burns the retinas, and my personal favorite, a temperament of “I HATE YOU PEOPLE”. :p

I skipped my monday gym day because of this damned migraine and felt like a monster for it  😦 I never raelized just how much the gym has become an S&M addiction. I hate it, but I love it.

Cardio is a hell of a drug!

So I woke up today, headacheless, and decided to get stuff done! I filled out lawyer papers (that’s a whole other ridiculous story), set up the makeshift ghetto rigged studio and shot new pictures of my crafts to sell, had a meeting with my pal Alan regarding Usana and the amazing changes it’s brought to my life, and finally made the most amazing dinner ever.

By the way if anyone has any questions regarding USANA and the Reset program, please feel free to ask me! It was a huge success for me and I’m always here to help you! 😀 It not only helped me reset my calorie goals and food intake, it also helped me reset me mentality toward food. It was the trigger that got me past my plateau slump and I cannot praise it enough! 😀


I made, get this: Ranchero Carne Asada Fajita Salad.

No, you read that right. 😛 omg sooo good. Warning the meat is red from the marinade. it’s not raw LOL sorry.


want the recipe!?

1 lb of citrus marinated ranchero carne asada (see your local butcher counter) cubed or strips

1 large green onion chopped

1 roma tomato chopped

1/2 of a yellow pepper julianned

1/2 of an orance pepper julianned

1 cup baby spinach leaves

Garlic Salt, Dill and Pepper to taste

1 tbsp vegetable oil

Toss the meat veggies and spices into a large saucepan with the oil and sautee the crud out of them until everything is tender. The meat will still look red due to marinade so make sure you take a piece of meat and cut/taste to make sure it’s at the cooked level you want it at. cover for a few minutes to allow it to steam the marinade into a sauce. This is how i avoid carbs! I NEVER add flour to make sauces. i like my sauces to be slightly watery especially for this plate because i use it as a dressing! 😀

serve the fajitas over a bed of mixed greens, pour a lil sauce on it and squeeze a lemon wedge over the plate and enjoy!!! 😀 It was so good it was ridiculous.

It was around 285 calories a serving! which is super low for a meat infused meal! 😀

My Fitness Pal calculated the recipe nutritional stats as such:

282 Calories
6g Carbs
14g Fat
32g Protein
382mg Sodium
1g Fiber


Somber Night and the Grumbling Tummy


Today… my tummy grumbled.


no. really. It straight up grumbled at me. Like “bitch eat something!” I was shocked.

I was also kinda happy. like a first time mother who sees their baby’s foot pressing through her skin. It’s kinda creepy gross and yet kinda amazing. Like ALIENS. except I’m not pregnant (thank jeebus).

So I fed myself. and it was amazing. yeaaaahhhh.

Mom and I collaborated on a kick ass dinner:

Baked Tilapia
white rice
green beans
sunburst squash
baby carrots

sooo good. 😀

I then flaked on the gym. I was going to go in the afternoon and then it just got later and later. Now i feel like a monster. 😦 Tomorrow.. I’m going in the morning. None of this late shit for me. I’m too dangerous for that. I have to go. Besides, I’ll have to go in the morning on wednesday, since I have my JOB INTERVIEW!! that day. 😀

So tonight, I’m sitting here going through my music collection and just kinda reminiscing. Have you ever had a song that just instantly takes you back to a time that you don’t necessarily want to revisit? That just happened to me. It’s like the past is staring at my in the face and asking me “What really happened?” I just don’t really want to answer it right now. I only know how to fix it. Ya know? So I think it’s time to skip to the next song.

303.4 lbs.